NEWSLETTER HUMOR

JANUARY, 2016

POSITIVE THINKING
(Let’s start the new year with only positive thoughts for 2016)

Once a bunch of frogs decided to go on a running competition. The frog that would reach the top of the tower first would be the winner. A big crowd gathered around to watch this race and cheer on the contestants. The tower was very high, so almost anyone in the crowd didn’t really believe the frogs could reach the top of it. During the race, you could hear the crowd saying: “No way, this is too difficult!” “They will not succeed. Not a chance!” “They must be stupid to believe that they can make it to the top.”

The frogs could hear the crowd. Finally, one by one, the frogs abandoned the game. Some of them continued to struggle and managed to climb higher and higher. “They will not make it, this is way too difficult,” the crowd continued. So even those persistent frogs got tired and gave up. In the end, there was only one frog that wouldn’t give up. The little frog struggled to climb higher and after a huge effort, he was the only one to reach the top. A frog asked the winner how he had found all this strength to make it to the top.

The winner did not respond. It turned out that the winner was deaf. Don’t listen to people’s opinions. Nothing is impossible, if YOU believe you can achieve it.

MARCH, 2016
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 9th: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a child again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again! What a perfect life.

December 12th: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man-I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14th: Snow, love snow! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to –20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15th: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16th: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. My wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17th: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20th: Electricity’s back on, but had another 13” of stupid snow last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That stupid snow plow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they are lying. Called the hardware store to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they are lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22nd: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to out to shovel and then I had to use the restroom. By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he is too busy. I think he is lying.

December 23rd: Only 2” of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago. She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24th: 6” today. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the
snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at about 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that stupid snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to explode!

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She is really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to –30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above –50. Still snowed in. THAT WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am!

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9” predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

MARCH, 2016 – SUBMITTED BY JOE ELKS

One Sunday morning at a small southern church, the new pastor called on one of his older deacons to lead in the opening prayer. The deacon stood, bowed his head and said, “Lord, I hate buttermilk.” The pastor opened one eye and wondered where this was going. The deacon continued, “Lord, I hate lard.” Now the pastor was totally perplexed. The deacon continued, “Lord, I ain’t too crazy about plain flour. But after you mix ‘em all together and bake ‘em in a hot oven, I just love biscuits.”

“Lord help us to realize when life gets hard, when things come up that we don’t like, whenever we don’t understand what You are doing, that we need to wait and see what You are making. After you get through mixing and baking, it’ll probably be something even better than biscuits.
Amen

Romans 8:28
WHY I NEVER WASH

A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn’t attend worship services, included “ Why I Never Wash” in the Sunday bulletin.

I was forced to as a child
People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
There are so many different kinds of soap, I can’t decide which one is best.
I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
None of my friends wash.
I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
I can’t spare the time.
The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
People who make soap are only after your money.
I don’t like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don’t need a bathtub.
I know how to stay clean without washing.
The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.
What I do doesn’t affect anybody but me.
I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
I don’t believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.
Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.
If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.
I’m so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.
Cats, dogs and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.
Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.
Washing is for women and children.
Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
I only believe in things I can see, and I can’t see bacteria.
Children need to see that it is OK to be different.
Children need to see a few bad examples.
I watch other people washing on TV.
There are lots of clean people who never wash.
We just moved here six years ago and I haven’t had a chance.
I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
I feel as close to washing on the golf course, as I do in the bathroom.
I never wash when I have company.
Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
My wife washes enough for the whole family.
I know people who wash but don’t act very clean.
Washing is the opiate of the masses.